A good long cry

I've got religion, again. This time it's in the form of a bunch of parenting techniques that you could probably call "gentle parenting".

I started with a website called Hand In Hand Parenting, which seems to be a very Californian thing. They call their approach "parenting by connection", and their idea is that no matter how crappy your kid's behaviour is, it's often due to a lack of connection with you or others. They have a few cool techniques for establishing and deepening this connection. A lot of it is aimed at parents of bigger kids than ours, but it's still useful already.

I then moved on to Aware Parenting.

I get annoyed at the name Aware Parenting, as if all the rest of us are unaware parents. This seems rude. It is also a bit intense on the topics of natural childbirth, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping and the like. All a bit daunting for those of us who didn't get this stuff happening.

Apart from that, aware parenting appeals to me because of its approach to crying kids, which is similar to the Hand in Hand crew.

Their idea about crying is that a crying kid feels like shit, and is expressing that feeling. If you try to distract them by feeding, patting, rocking, reasoning with them (or whatever), you might get them to stop crying, but they won't stop feeling like shit.

The fix for that is to get as close as possible, listen really well to their crying, and don't try to stop them. The kid might cry for ages. Crying itself is the way that a kid sheds their intense emotions, so you just have to wait it out. It doesn't work to let them do this crying by themselves, or with you only half listening and half worrying about getting them to stop. They need your genuine presence so that they can feel safe enough to do their hard crying work.

That's the theory so far. Trudi and I both feel that this idea is a good one, but it's hard to implement. There is always something that needs to be done, and not enough time to sit down and listen to the hardest thing to hear: your daughter howling.

I finally managed it this morning. I don't know why I did - it was just a morning like any other. Hazel has just started a cold, so she had a rough night, and woke up a bit grizzly. By breakfast time she was whiny and miserable, and then something happening to make her cry. I sat down on the floor with her, and held her. Ivy came barrelling up and wanted to play. Convenient! So I trapped Ivy between my knees, which she thinks is the Best. Game. Ever.

Hazel wept and flailed, struggling in my arms. I held on, letting her wriggle away a bit so she wasn't trapped, but I always gathered her up again. I said quietly, yes, yes, what else, yes. She kept crying, and couldn't meet my eye. Ivy was having a ball, falling about over my legs.

Hazel kept crying for about fifteen minutes. Eventually she was just murmuring a little, resting completely in my arms, holding my gaze steadily. At that point, I set her on her feet, and she went off to do those things she does.

For the rest of the morning she was remarkably calm and happy, given her cold and lack of sleep. So it's a success. I just need to do it whenever I find the time and emotional energy.